Monday, February 28, 2011

Today's Emotional Run

So- today's run was emotional for me. I know I have this run coming up in 19 days, so I really need to run whether I feel like running or not. After eating too much this weekend, I haven't felt like running. Today was the same problem. Luckily, my IPOD was charged to help me today. I didn't have my arm band, so I had to stick the IPOD in the little pocket in my pants.

The wind was kicking today. I didn't realize it at first because it was going in the same direction that I was going...then I turned the corner and it was obvious. As I rounded the next corner, the wind was in my face. I felt like I was running so hard, but not going anywhere. Then my lips felt chapped, I had a cramp, my mouth was dry...I was feeling defeated. I kept telling myself the hardest part was going to be the first mile, the mile back, I would have the wind working with me most of the time.

Of all the Massey girls- I may be the most feminine. Tasha and Erica have always been hard core at sports. I never played football with the guys, I don't like frogs, I can't even change a tire (I could prob do it if I had to...I've never had to). One thing I can't do is spit. So, today as the wind is blowing so hard and I don't have any candy to keep my mouth from getting dry, I needed to spit. I call it thick spit. So, spitting usually goes like this...I spit and it hangs from my mouth until gravity takes over. Here's the problem: 40 mph wind + plus thick spit= Jamie getting her own spit in her face.

After a little bit of a struggle with the wind, I finally made it to my halfway point. I thought about going further, but I was ready to be on the way back to finish my run. So, I turn around and start back. With the wind pushing me forward, I get these thoughts of Kathie in my head. I didn't have a playlist to run with today...I was just using shuffle. I normally don't listen to country while I run because I need a faster beat...but SheDaisy- Don't Worry 'Bout A Thing happened to be are the lyrics:

Life is funny, life's a mess
Sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing
Don't worry 'bout a thing, don't worry 'bout it
Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Sometimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don't worry 'bout a thing

Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with thoughts of Kathie. I was running like I was being chased. No jogging, flat out running. I'm sure the wind gave me a push, but my strides were wider and faster and it wasn't feeling winded like I normally would. It was a total Forest Gump moment. I ran until the wind started working against me. Then, I cried. I actually wept.

I used to loathe running. I didn't run for fun. Now I run for a reason. In the last month of Kathie's life, I begged God to take away her pain or fear and just bring her comfort. There was nothing I could do for her other than that. I offered to shave my head when she went bald, I wanted to donate bone marrow, but in all my attempts, I still felt helpless. Running is the one thing I can do even after Kathie is gone.

I don't like to use the phrase "Lost her battle with cancer" me Kathie won. I know that she is now eternally free from cancer.

1 comment:

  1. I love you JMJ- in a real way, an admiring way, in a IWANTTOBEJUSTLIKEYOU kinda way. Is this social networking? Maybe.. :)